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Millennials Are Killing Everything.

January 15, 2018


I swear to Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s next unborn child that if I see one more headline that millennials are destroying anything besides fairgrounds after EDM festivals, I’m going to summon a fleet of Amazon drones to drop a comical amount of Avocado toast on Business Insider’s headquarters.


Here’s a headline: we’re not the problem. You are.


I think I can speak for all fidget spinning millennials when I say that it’s not our fault that Harley Davidson isn’t selling as many hogs as they used to. It’s also not our fault that we’d rather stream Netflix instead of tuning in at certain hours to watch overpriced Cable TV and commercials. Nor is it our fault that sodas aren’t selling as well as they used to “back in the day.”


Now I’m no economist, nor am I a CEO, but I might have a point when I say that the companies “millennials are ruining” are simply failing to adjust their current business models to meet new demands.




It’s like Comcast cable can’t figure out that I’d rather have an online streaming service with Netflix and a customer support staff that isn’t reading off of a FAQ card to help me solve problems.


Or Harley can’t redesign their motorcycle brand and marketing techniques to target the audience they want to sell to. Even Walt Disney knew that if you’re not moving product, the first thing to do is…ohmygosh…go back and revise the product.


And soda companies are seeing a decline in stock prices. Wait…could it be because we’re making more health conscious choices with our drinks? I mean, the fact that we pound cases of PBR on weekends is counterintuitive to my argument, but at least we’re moving Pepsi out of the workweek.




Now you might have your own reservations on why these companies are failing, but it’s fact that they are declining in sales, and media outlets like Business Insider love to place the blame on the market. Last time I checked, if a company was failing, blaming the market is about as productive as blaming the fans for the outcome of a basketball game. Wait a second, are millennials ruining basketball too? Probably. We destroy everything.


If you still think we're the problem, I'll let my man Simon Sinek break it down in less time than it takes for you to watch another episode of "Friends" on Netflix.


I’ll end here because I know this article is approaching 400 words, which is almost over our daily reading limit. Remember, we’re destroying journalism too.


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